The Little Things You Do Together - Part One

How do you measure a successful relationship? In years? In compatibility?  How important are all the little things you share together when you’re missing some other key element? And ultimately how much weight do you give sex? Is it the glue that holds you together or are the little things you do together more important than a physical flame that may burn cooler as the years pass?

Sex. As gay men, or men in general, we seem to spend a great deal of our time, energy and mind focused on sex. I suppose it’s because our dicks are just hanging out there like a Geiger counter gauging the heat around us and like a Geiger counter they often get us into some radioactive situations. If life really is a banquet, is sex the most important item on the buffet table or just a fascinating side dish that you may lose your appetite for over time? Why is it that the one thing that often brings a couple together can become the same thing that can tear them apart?

Dear and I had our issues. Actually, we really only had one big issue - I didn’t want him to smoke crack and disappear for days on end, having sex with people you couldn’t introduce to your mother. All our other issues revolved around this, most notably, our sex life.

The first time we had sex (coincidentally, it was also the same night we met, funny how that happen). Anyway, the first time we had sex was an incredible experience on many levels for both of us. Not only was it the most amazing sex either of us had ever had, the whole thing took on this “out-of-body/soul-mate reconnecting”other-worldliness. Granted, the drugs probably helped that a bit but there had been drugs before and since and nothing ever remotely like that moment in time. With it starting on such a miraculous flip-flopping high, it was bound to go downhill. After all, how could it ever be nearly as good?

Over the years, our sex life (with each other) had pulled a vanishing act. The wear and tear of daily existence, the occasional relapses, the circus freak sexshows, all contributed in their way. His post-rehab rants about how he hated and wouldn’t/couldn’t do “sober sex”, didn’t help. By the time he realized he could do sober sex and even enjoyed it, I’d lost interest in even trying. But through it all, we remained compatible, comfortable and our life seemed mapped out and easy. After all, we had the tough stuff (compatibility, common interests, mutual support). When we were 65, isn’t that what would really matter when the sex was just a faded memento (except with the random hired hand or poolboy)?

I used to believe this was true or I told myself I believed it. That wanting it all was selfish. That I had so much already. I could always find sex. The things I had weren’t as easy to come by.

I know a lot of other gay couples, together anywhere from 2 to 30 years in varying degrees of devotion and monogamy. Most of them fall on a continuum somewhere between the couple who have been totally monogamous for 30 years and have sex at least once a day to the couple that hasn’t had sex, with each other, in years but are still deeply in love. And though you never really know what’s going on behind people’s closed doors, when I take a closer look, the couples around me that seem the healthiest and most devoted are the ones that are actively engaged and enthusiastically still sexually involved with each other. I really bought into other people’s relationship PR (and have certainly spun my own PR over the years) and thought every couple is different and whatever works, works. But in the past few days, I’ve seen behind the scenes of two relationships where sex or lack of it is a major issues and I’m coming to believe that sex really is a very key component in a balanced relationship. It may ebb and wane but the sputtering flames must be actively fanned. The sexual health of the relationship seems intrinsically tied to the overall health.

Case Study #1

A few years back, a dear friend, I’ll call him Horatio, went through a breakup of a long-term relationship. His lover, a fraternity brother of my ex-husbands’, had been regularly cheating on him- Seems to be a trademark of that fraternity. The adultery finally reached became so rampant that Horatio called it quits. Now Horatio is a sexy guy but a little on the tightly coiled side, when he started seriously dating again it came as a real pleasure (and shock) that his new partner, of several years now, is anything but straight-laced.  He’s an absolute character - fun, goofy, cute and very sexually oriented. He’s really helped Horatio loosen up, become a little less rigid and really blossom. Unfortunately, the boyfriend has some sexual desires (or issues) that bother my friend and threaten their relationship. Based on his previous relationship history, Horatio has obvious issues with cheating. They have tried to have a monogamous relationship but his BF is just too much of a horn dog and though nothing has happened, that we know of, the pressure to open the relationship wears on Horatio.

Now this whole open relationship thing really deserves it’s own column (and then some) but I’ve always thought you need to listen to your relationship and listen to each other and find out what works for you at that time and place. The relationships that I think of as the most enduring have had periods of both monogamy and openness and everything in between but the key element they share is the ability to be open to your partners’needs and the health of your relationship.

Horatio isn’t the least bit interested in opening the door to his relationship the tiniest crack, which is fine but it doesn’t seem to be working for his BF. He’s very concerned right now because he found out that the BF spends a lot of time doing internet/cam chat JO sessions regularly with a variety of guys. Seems innocent enough on the surface, one might think, but more unsettling is the fact that there is one guy in particular, who lives quite near by, that he does it with regularly and has even tried to arrange something in person. Now, this is all after Horatio asked him not to keep secrets anymore and some tenseness early in the relationship around phasing out some regular fuck buddies. To Horatio this is strike three and he needs things to change or he’s out of it but is he asking too much of his partner? The “Jacking off on the computer with strangers” thing can be hot but also innocent. Since his partner clearly gets off on it and it’s something he can’t supply (though he could go in the next room, or to a friends house, and sign on and have a hot little stroke session fulfilling his partners desires and keeping it in the family), should he work through that as long as there are clear and honest parameters? However, as for the repeat nearby offender, he has a no tolerance policy and I’m 100% in agreement with him. It’s right to be disturbed and feel threatened. I know I would. I didn’t have a monogamous relationship because we couldn’t satisfy our sexual needs within the confines of our relationship but we did have agreement that excessive repeats could lead to emotional attachments and thus were unacceptable. An agreement, Dear obviously later flagrantly disregarded. Otherwise, Horatio and hubby have a very nice life and both have grown considerably through exposure to each other. How strong a stance should Horatio take? If your partner has sexual needs that you can’t fulfill, isn’t it healthier to accept and adapt? Or is a relationship doomed, when a partner can’t find sexual fulfillment within?