My Funny Valentine

Valentine’s Day marked the one month anniversary of my breakup or as I like to call it My Independence Day.

It had all the earmarks of being a miserable mess of a day. First Valentines Day alone in 6 years. One month exactly from the breakup (what are the odds of that?). I’d kept my spirits up and conveniently avoided the manufactured holiday fast approaching. I’d been chatting for a few days with a guy that had hit me up on-line. Cute-ish, 29-ish, intriguing because of his perseverance. Smooth, hot little muscular body and exotic as he hailed from, of all places, Kazakhstan. My own little Borat.

He’d been texting me for a few days and really wanted to hook up. Now to me, “hook up” means we get together and have sex. He clearly had other ideas in mind. When he suggested we meet this Saturday night at a bar, I wasn’t having any of it. There is nothing worse than meeting a “date” out at bar where his friends or yours may be hovering and ready to rescue you from an unattractive situation. And the very fact of meeting him at a bar was moving this away from “hookup” into dateland. A territory I had no interest in journeying through anytime soon.

I explained my hesitation around meeting in a bar and we rescheduled for Thursday night, which just happened to be Valentine’s Day. This fact escaped me at first but once I realized it, I used it to my advantage. As in, when I had lunch with Dear and he said, he’d just be working late and not doing anything special with Twitch for V-D, I said, that was too bad as I would be doing a 29 year old from Kazakhstan. When he nearly spit his salad nicoise on the table, my heart grew a little warmer. Perhaps it wasn’t quite my heart.

So I showed up at Borat’s place, a rag-tag artist’s pad if ever there was on, and instantly liked his energy. Funny, sassy, with a weird sing-songy accent that was charming. He was much cuter than his photos with a very, very hot little body. He asked me if I’d like a beer, I said sure (while my brain quickly calculated how many empty carbs were in a glass of beer). The beer turned out to be imported ale and was fabulous.

 So after loosening us up a little, we started getting a little more comfortable which pretty much involved kissing and getting naked. Now we we both had rock hard erections but the focus of the evening turned out to be not so much sex as it was sensuality and intimacy. It was the opposite of my fifteen minutes from earlier in the week and in many way’s exactly what was missing from my own relationship. We caressed, kneaded, licked and mostly just held each other, exploring each other’s bodies and marveling how nicely we fit together. This went on for about three hours and to be honest, I did begin to wonder when we’d Make Sexy Time. But we never did. And that was okay. Sure there were moments that were very sexual and it was all erotic but more than that it was extremely intimate. The intimacy born of really being present in the moment with another person and not looking forward to some preconceived outcome.

My contacts began to dry out at One am so I got ready to head home. We’d lost the sex in our relationship but more than the sex, Dear and I had forgotten how to be intimate with each other. I left feeling perfectly satisfied. A satisfaction not born of a self-gratified release but from a evening of living truly in the moment. It was the perfect Valentine’s Day.

Sex Alert #3 - Wine lover encore

I love this whole text messaging thing. Very cool way of passive-aggressive interaction. So in the midst of the storage unit drama, I get a text from last Sunday Night’s Delight wanting a repeat. I figured what the hell. When dick comes a’ knocking, what else am I to say?

 So he comes over for a repeat performance. And I do mean repeat performance. It followed the previous visits routine move for move. I was less man-hungry this time so I was able to sit back and marvel a bit that other than leaving out the rimming, it was the SAME EXACT SEX ACTS in THE SAME ORDER. What’s that about???!?? And should I add the part that the entire thing was over in FIFTEEN MINUTES!! I was not enthused.

He hung around for takeout and we spent a few hours having a challenging intellectual conversation. If only his bedroom skills were as stimulating.

Oh well, he has a boyfriend so I don’t have to worry about him coming knocking too often. He’s a really nice guy but COME ON, fifteen minutes? That’s the oldest cliche in the book. I could understand it if we were doing it in an alley or in an airplane loo. I’d spent more time lighting candles and doing my hair.

The Rhythm of Life

I wonder if I’ve ruined myself for other men.

It started as a harmless distraction. My friend recommended it. He said it was a boy’s best friend and exactly what I needed right now during those dark hours when I might feel like getting off but didn’t want to inflict revenge-fueled angst-ridden booty calls on anyone.

Like many vices it started off innocently. Honest, it just felt so good and boy, was it the quick path to pleasure. Would anyone blame me for wanting a mindless ball-busting leg-quivering deliverance?

But how can a man ever quite take the place of this little wonder? I suppose I’ll find other solace in a man’s arms (and other places) but meanwhile, I know what to do when I’m feeling blue.

The Little Things You Do Together - Part One

How do you measure a successful relationship? In years? In compatibility?  How important are all the little things you share together when you’re missing some other key element? And ultimately how much weight do you give sex? Is it the glue that holds you together or are the little things you do together more important than a physical flame that may burn cooler as the years pass?

Sex. As gay men, or men in general, we seem to spend a great deal of our time, energy and mind focused on sex. I suppose it’s because our dicks are just hanging out there like a Geiger counter gauging the heat around us and like a Geiger counter they often get us into some radioactive situations. If life really is a banquet, is sex the most important item on the buffet table or just a fascinating side dish that you may lose your appetite for over time? Why is it that the one thing that often brings a couple together can become the same thing that can tear them apart?

Dear and I had our issues. Actually, we really only had one big issue - I didn’t want him to smoke crack and disappear for days on end, having sex with people you couldn’t introduce to your mother. All our other issues revolved around this, most notably, our sex life.

The first time we had sex (coincidentally, it was also the same night we met, funny how that happen). Anyway, the first time we had sex was an incredible experience on many levels for both of us. Not only was it the most amazing sex either of us had ever had, the whole thing took on this “out-of-body/soul-mate reconnecting”other-worldliness. Granted, the drugs probably helped that a bit but there had been drugs before and since and nothing ever remotely like that moment in time. With it starting on such a miraculous flip-flopping high, it was bound to go downhill. After all, how could it ever be nearly as good?

Over the years, our sex life (with each other) had pulled a vanishing act. The wear and tear of daily existence, the occasional relapses, the circus freak sexshows, all contributed in their way. His post-rehab rants about how he hated and wouldn’t/couldn’t do “sober sex”, didn’t help. By the time he realized he could do sober sex and even enjoyed it, I’d lost interest in even trying. But through it all, we remained compatible, comfortable and our life seemed mapped out and easy. After all, we had the tough stuff (compatibility, common interests, mutual support). When we were 65, isn’t that what would really matter when the sex was just a faded memento (except with the random hired hand or poolboy)?

I used to believe this was true or I told myself I believed it. That wanting it all was selfish. That I had so much already. I could always find sex. The things I had weren’t as easy to come by.

I know a lot of other gay couples, together anywhere from 2 to 30 years in varying degrees of devotion and monogamy. Most of them fall on a continuum somewhere between the couple who have been totally monogamous for 30 years and have sex at least once a day to the couple that hasn’t had sex, with each other, in years but are still deeply in love. And though you never really know what’s going on behind people’s closed doors, when I take a closer look, the couples around me that seem the healthiest and most devoted are the ones that are actively engaged and enthusiastically still sexually involved with each other. I really bought into other people’s relationship PR (and have certainly spun my own PR over the years) and thought every couple is different and whatever works, works. But in the past few days, I’ve seen behind the scenes of two relationships where sex or lack of it is a major issues and I’m coming to believe that sex really is a very key component in a balanced relationship. It may ebb and wane but the sputtering flames must be actively fanned. The sexual health of the relationship seems intrinsically tied to the overall health.

Case Study #1

A few years back, a dear friend, I’ll call him Horatio, went through a breakup of a long-term relationship. His lover, a fraternity brother of my ex-husbands’, had been regularly cheating on him- Seems to be a trademark of that fraternity. The adultery finally reached became so rampant that Horatio called it quits. Now Horatio is a sexy guy but a little on the tightly coiled side, when he started seriously dating again it came as a real pleasure (and shock) that his new partner, of several years now, is anything but straight-laced.  He’s an absolute character - fun, goofy, cute and very sexually oriented. He’s really helped Horatio loosen up, become a little less rigid and really blossom. Unfortunately, the boyfriend has some sexual desires (or issues) that bother my friend and threaten their relationship. Based on his previous relationship history, Horatio has obvious issues with cheating. They have tried to have a monogamous relationship but his BF is just too much of a horn dog and though nothing has happened, that we know of, the pressure to open the relationship wears on Horatio.

Now this whole open relationship thing really deserves it’s own column (and then some) but I’ve always thought you need to listen to your relationship and listen to each other and find out what works for you at that time and place. The relationships that I think of as the most enduring have had periods of both monogamy and openness and everything in between but the key element they share is the ability to be open to your partners’needs and the health of your relationship.

Horatio isn’t the least bit interested in opening the door to his relationship the tiniest crack, which is fine but it doesn’t seem to be working for his BF. He’s very concerned right now because he found out that the BF spends a lot of time doing internet/cam chat JO sessions regularly with a variety of guys. Seems innocent enough on the surface, one might think, but more unsettling is the fact that there is one guy in particular, who lives quite near by, that he does it with regularly and has even tried to arrange something in person. Now, this is all after Horatio asked him not to keep secrets anymore and some tenseness early in the relationship around phasing out some regular fuck buddies. To Horatio this is strike three and he needs things to change or he’s out of it but is he asking too much of his partner? The “Jacking off on the computer with strangers” thing can be hot but also innocent. Since his partner clearly gets off on it and it’s something he can’t supply (though he could go in the next room, or to a friends house, and sign on and have a hot little stroke session fulfilling his partners desires and keeping it in the family), should he work through that as long as there are clear and honest parameters? However, as for the repeat nearby offender, he has a no tolerance policy and I’m 100% in agreement with him. It’s right to be disturbed and feel threatened. I know I would. I didn’t have a monogamous relationship because we couldn’t satisfy our sexual needs within the confines of our relationship but we did have agreement that excessive repeats could lead to emotional attachments and thus were unacceptable. An agreement, Dear obviously later flagrantly disregarded. Otherwise, Horatio and hubby have a very nice life and both have grown considerably through exposure to each other. How strong a stance should Horatio take? If your partner has sexual needs that you can’t fulfill, isn’t it healthier to accept and adapt? Or is a relationship doomed, when a partner can’t find sexual fulfillment within? 

Sex Alert #2 - Wine lover with understanding eyes

I’m not really a Super Bowl sort of fellow so this afternoon, I figured I’d like to play with some balls too. I get online on a certain website that I’ve belonged to for awhile and I’m wasting time for a few hours and catching up on Project Runway (Victoria! What a bitch!), when I get a message from a hot, dark and handsome guy who had tried to get with me in the past. I’d never followed through on the previous occasions because those times I was online usually occurred when Dear was on one of his benders and I was either looking for revenge sex (which I seldom followed through with) or to get fucked up with someone and go on a bender myself (which I did on a few occasions). This guy I could tell, though he wanted to fuck me, was a nice guy so I wanted to save him for a later date.

Well, that date turned out to be today. So he comes over. I’m feeling all nervous because my online pix are a year or so out of date (i.e. I’m trying to get my bod back into the shape it was then, or better) and didn’t want to be a disappointment. However, he turned out to have grown a tad bit around the middle since his pix as well. Thank god, because his abs were kind of daunting in his pix.  Very hot with dark intense eyes. I’d guess his roots were somewhere in the Mediterranean possibly Greece from his name. Anyway, I’m nervous because I haven’t really had a man over to the houses since the breakup and also, well, this is all so new. But we go at it and he was just what I needed. Sensual, sexy, tender, teasing. Smooth with nice tats, sensitive nips, nice dick which he’s spitting on before long and slipping into my ass. A very nice sensation. Good old spit and skin. Like the cavemen did it. Not too long after, he’s blowing a load and then jacking me off. All very, very enjoyable.

But the real treat comes after when we get to talking. He starts getting deep into the things that are going on in my life. Really challenging me as to my motivations and what I’m dealing with and not dealing with. At times he makes me uncomfortable but also makes me really think. Then just as I think he’s getting ready to go he surprises me and asks me what I’m doing for dinner. We end up sharing a bottle of wine (of which he is a connoisseur) and dinner while we get ever deeper into my shit. Not an easy night, but a really, really good one and just what I needed.

Though I’ll admit I would have liked to have had another roll with him after dinner, it was probably better it ended as it did. And unlike the Latin Boy, I believe he really does want to get back together. The sex was good if brief (no uncontrollable moaning or cock leaking on my part) but the conversation was one of the most stimulating I’ve had in, well, I can’t remember when.

Sex Alert #1 - Latin Boy with crazy roommates

So I’ve just had my first post breakup sex (unless you count that blowjob I got from our drunken friend at our other friends housewarming party - which I’m not). So tonight I went over to this boy’s place and had a quickie. It would have been a longie but his roommates who were supposed to have left for Hawaii were still there stalking up and down the halls, counting the doorknobs or something. My rebound lover apparantly attracts guys who are having their first post breakup fuck and I could see why. Totally adorable, 30, hot smooth little number with a waist I could get my hands around, a priceless ass I have yet to explore and a nice fat cock that he used quite brilliantly. The whole thing lasted probably 30 minutes tops but once the roommates are really gone, we hope to have a much longer, louder repeat.  He was exactly the right guy to get my engines going again. Sexy, sane and sweet with a certain quirkiness to him that made him very appealing. I don’t usually ever find I want to do repeats from the internet but I’d gladly get to know him better or just let him rim and fuck me again. I’m trying to set a new precedent by making my sexual encounters more quality oriented than some of the compromises I ended up in during and before my relationship. No more compromises.